Living Beyond the Scale

I am seriously overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by the messages I get from subscribers who pour their hearts out to me and look to me for advice, help, and most of all, understanding. I have amazing followers. Many of you who have asked me what was my turning point? What’s my history? Ah, the uncomfortable question! But I will answer it for all my new subscribers who have not been here since Day One and have yet to know my beginnings.

My name is Ixchel and I’m 24 years old. I’m a Music Teacher as well an actress, singer, and dancer. I have always been strong and curvy, but never uncomfortably overweight until I hit 15 when I was diagnosed with depression. As a result, I was put on 3 different anti depressants, which all had side effects of weight gain. The more I gained, the more depressed I felt. It was a horrible cycle. That Summer I spent some time in a hospital to get help. Shortly after, I relapsed. It took years, but when I moved away to college in Los Angeles, I was ready to get off meds and stand on my own two feet. During those years, I still struggled off and on with my symptoms, but I had God and a wonderful support system. Still, I was feeling stuck at my weight and just “accepted” that I was always going to be “the funny big girl.” Then I saw a picture of myself at my heaviest- about 190 pounds at only 5’1”. I couldn’t believe how I looked. During this time, my mother (who is not overweight) had a 2nd heart attack- about 10 years after my father had his. I knew then that this was more than just about a number on a scale- this was about my health and living long enough to see the great life I knew I was destined for.

I got a trainer to help me get started, actually read labels, and put in the time to do the research. I started with small steps, like cutting out soda and doing some time on the elliptical into gradually taking bigger leaps of change. I started blogging to help keep myself accountable. I became fearless because I knew I had to be. I went from being too afraid to run outside to running at least 2 miles a day. I stepped out of my comfort zone daily because I knew I was worth it. My biggest problem was making it a scheduled priority with my busy life of working two jobs and performing. My biggest advice would be to plan ahead with food and to schedule in workouts like you would any other important appointment.

I’m still not finished with my work. I’m just your average Jane. But it’s this very reason that I hope to reach and inspire all types of people. And I am not going to stop here.

My favorite quote that helped me push is by Laura Vanderkam:

“Instead of saying ‘I don’t have time,’ try saying ‘it’s not a priority,’ and see how that feels. Often, that’s a perfectly adequate explanation. I have time to iron my sheets, I just don’t want to. But other things are harder. Try it: ‘I’m not going to edit your résumé, sweetie, because it’s not a priority.’ ‘I don’t go to the doctor because my health is not a priority.’ If these phrases don’t sit well, that’s the point. Changing our language reminds us that time is a choice. If we don’t like how we’re spending an hour, we can choose differently.”

Happy Health, Happy Heart, Happy Living!

Just wanted to give a warm welcome to all the new followers that subscribed today! I’m glad to have you along for the ride! Happy Living!

Basically the gist of why I chose Living Beyond the Scale as my Blog name!

Hi, all! Happy Sunday! I’m just winding down from the week and an eventful day of the pumpkin patch and pumpkin carving! Here is my very first solo pumpkin carving attempt. Amy Winehouse! Love love love her. Now it’s time to relax and tally up all my boot camp points for the week! Whoo hoo! Go Team Yummy Berries! And all the other teams, too! Don’t forget to e mail me at LivingBeyondtheScale@yahoo.com if you’d like my boot camp template! Shout out to the tons of you who have already. Have a great week, everyone…it’s almost time for Halloween!

Sunday night I had a really strange Yoga experience. I guess by strange, what I mean is different.

Let me preface this by saying that I have never felt like a full on Yogi. When I go, it’s because I have Yoga as part of my Fitness Plan. I’ve never been the girl who walks around with her Yoga mat slung on her back each day, feeling good about the fact that she just “gets” Yoga and that Yoga just “gets” her. And to be honest, this has always been frustrating to me. I knew where I wanted to be. You name the time and place and I’ll get down and dirty in a mud pit with 20 other athletes. But put me in a Yoga class and ask me to be 100% successful? It just doesn’t happen. Ask me to close my eyes, hold a pose, and be still? I can’t. The problem is not my body. The problem is not my strength. The problem is not my flexibility. The problem is my mind.

I never feel like I am fully in it as I should be. I try my hardest. But there is always a wall. A wall that doesn’t allow me to have a truly changing experience- the kind you read about in Health Journals with pictures of beautiful people in Child’s Pose, feeling connected to their soul and all that comes with it. Up until Sunday night, I had chalked all this up to “Well, guess I’m just not good at Yoga.” But is that all? I realized that my own personal issues are holding me back from being the Yogi that I want to be.

My discomfort with my own emotions holds me back from a lot of things in my life. I have been this way for as long as I can remember. Even now, my stomach hurts just typing this, knowing it will just all be out there. However, these blog columns are all about honesty. And life within your comfort zone isn’t much of a life at all.

On Sunday night, I decided to have my own Yoga session in my room. Away from people, off the record, and to just try to center myself before bed. You know when you have a thousand thoughts in your head, but absolutely none at the same time? That’s where I was at.

I started with just sitting and breathing.

Inhale for 8. Hold for 8. Exhale for 8. Repeat. Focus on the numbers. No, stop thinking about work. Okay…4, 5, 6- okay, definitely don’t think about THAT. Okay, focus, Eesh- 4, 5, 6- Did I ever put that dish away? Remember that dumb thing? Could you have done that differently? Okay, seriously, Ixchel, stop thinking about that! Breathe. Focus on yourself and the breath. You are enough.

I opened my eyes.

You are enough.

Eyes closed again. Where did that come from? And what am I feeling in my chest right now?

Okay…1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8.

I remembered some self meditating techniques that my doctor in high school told me about. She said to be still with myself- truly still- and just say all the things that I love about myself. I would say, “Well, I have an amazing family.” She would reply with, “No, Ixchel…what about YOURSELF?” I remember I used to hate that. It felt silly. But this night was a little boggling and different, so I decided to try it.

Um…you are nice….you are thoughtful. You is smart, you is kind, you is important. Haha, no, take this seriously. Okay…You are talented. You are sympathetic. You have a lot to offer.

That feeling in my chest again.

You are beautiful? Um…you…I don’t know.

Then it started. 3 or 4 tears came out as quickly as the tug in my chest became tight. I didn’t know what was happening, but for once, I allowed it to. I let myself have this experience, and then I had to stop. In my mind, 4 tears was 4 tears too many. That is something I know I need to work on.

I have never been able to talk about my feelings. And I guess from a Yoga standpoint (at least from my experience in numerous classes), allowing yourself to just “be” is just as hard. It’s allowing yourself to be with yourself and just go with all that entails, whether it be good or bad. It’s when the teacher says, “Let go of your current heartaches and worries with a loud exhale,” and trying not to laugh because you’re so uncomfortable.

Now, why do I feel so afflicted speaking to myself? Why did it make me cry a little bit? I’m not entirely sure, but I now know that I am capable of such an experience. Then, today an old friend said to me, “Geez, you have even more walls up that I can remember.” I was just being sarcastic (cynical?) like I usually am, but ended up hurting his feelings in the process when he asked me to come visit him. His comment made me mad for a second, but then I decided to just listen. And little by little, I will chip at the walls that I have created for myself and therefore confined myself to.

It may not be Yoga for you. It may be running in public. Or approaching a personal trainer. Or setting foot in the gym in general. But whatever it is that frightens you, subconsciously or not, tackle it. Ask for help. Dig deep. Figure out why you feel the way you feel. It’s easier to solve once we understand. Don’t do what I did and just find a scapegoat or downplay it. We all have the power to make the choices that create the absolute life we want. Shouldn’t that be for fitness as well?

I wish you all that “a-ha” moment. When you’re in the middle of your bedroom floor on a Sunday night, feeling water on your cheek and thinking, “A-ha…so I am human.”

It’s okay to feel frustrated. It’s okay to feel stuck. Be who you want. Live how you’d like. And like one of my favorite ladies, Cleopatra, said, “Ginesthoi.” (“Make it happen.”)

“I want to know if you can be alone with yourself…and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.”

Ginesthoi. Namaste. Happy Living.

We are the women (and men) who feel absolutely disgusting and drenched in their own humid moisture..with stringy hair from the sweat and sticky skin from the run. But at the same time that we drink our last sip of water and stand in our own filth, we have never felt more powerful, beautiful, and omnipotent.

Happy National Chocolate Milkshake Day! (Yeah, I didn’t know either.)

One scoop of APEX Lite Protein with 8 ounces of nonfat milk and 3 ice cubes.

It’s no Johnny Rocket’s milkshake (with fries dipped in, DUH), but it’ll do for today. ;)

To my new subscribers…WELCOME! I had a weekend vacation in the Dirty South (!), so didn’t post much. To any subscribers in the South…your abodes are amazing and I’m totally jealous. ;) Happy Wednesday, everyone!

My Saturday Night!

2 mile run.
Awesome strength session.
Quick yoga.

Instead of just drinking my regular protein shake, I decided to blend it with ice, nonfat milk, and a banana. It was pretty PHENOMENAL. Clearly, it didn’t last long enough for me to get a good picture of it! ;)

(via lesintouchablesxo)

The weekend was pretty intense.

Saturday I was supposed to perform twice. Singing once in the morning and dancing in the evening. I’ve been wound up, exhausted and stressed out. Sometimes when you won’t slow down, your body forces you to. Saturday morning I fainted and hit my head…got up pretty quickly I think (I’m really not sure)…then managed to call a friend. She came over and I fainted again, this time staying unconscious for about 5 minutes until I woke up, still unable to talk or look at her. I was dehydrated, malnourished, and my body was just done. Needless to say, I didn’t sing that day. But I did dance.

Sunday I stayed in bed all day and got some bad news that one of my friends passed away. It’s so hard not to be angry. Angry at whoever did this. Angry at myself for so many reasons I won’t get into right now. And angry at the Universe for putting this in his plan to leave us at 25. It’s really tearing me up. I’ve dealt with death a lot, but this felt different for some reason. I know it’s time to have my happy face on, but I still feel heavy and as you can imagine, just lazy. I want to run. But I feel like I can’t. It makes literally no sense. I don’t know. Maybe I’m just rambling.

A friend just sent this song to me to consider for an audition that I have this week…and I don’t really SEE the connection immediately to how I’m feeling right now, but for some reason (that I can’t shake off), I’m really feeling like I’m supposed to be listening to this right now. More than what she’s saying, more than how she’s phrasing things, more than the music choices underneath. I don’t know. I thought I’d share with you guys. Hope you’re having a wonderful day…thank you for all your messages and tweets and emails. :) Enjoy.

I stare at my reflection in the mirror:
“Why am I doing this to myself?”
Losing my mind on a tiny error,
I nearly left the real me on the shelf.
No, no, no, no, no…

Don’t lose who you are in the blur of the stars!
Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing,
It’s okay not to be okay.
Sometimes it’s hard to follow your heart.
Tears don’t mean you’re losing, everybody’s bruising,
Just be true to who you are!
(who you are [x11])

Brushing my hair, do I look perfect?
I forgot what to do to fit the mold, yeah!
The more I try, the less it’s working, yeah
‘Cause everything inside me screams
No, no, no, no, no…

Don’t lose who you are in the blur of the stars!
Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing,
It’s okay not to be okay.
Sometimes it’s hard to follow your heart.
But tears don’t mean you’re losing, everybody’s bruising,
There’s nothing wrong with who you are!

Yes, no’s, egos, fake shows, like WHOA!
Just go, and leave me alone!
Real talk, real life, good love, goodnight,
With a smile, that’s my home!
That’s my home, no…

No, no, no, no, no…
Don’t lose who you are in the blur of the stars!
Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing,
It’s okay not to be okay…
Sometimes it’s hard to follow your heart.
Tears don’t mean you’re losing, everybody’s bruising,
Just be true to who you are.